Sad.

I'm sad. Sadder than I ever thought I would be when I weaned him. As I said in the post a few days ago, tandem nursing was not an overly pleasant experience. And Tucker was a total Boob Monger who would ask for "mulk" approximately 1,332 times per day, every day. Nursing him over the past nine months was exhausting.

I had already planned on weaning him this summer so it's not like it wasn't already in the works. I knew I was ready, I knew he was not. That is what makes this hard. He is doing better than I thought he would, we've only had a couple really hard moments that left us both in tears, and me in a milk soaked tank top.

Tucker and I just had a very special bond over nursing. A bond Chloe and I don't really have. Don 't get me wrong, I love nursing Chloe but it isn't the same as nursing Tucker. It's difficult to explain, but she just doesn't seem as attached to nursing as he was; she is just a much more independent baby overall. I won't be one bit surprised if she self weans before I ever have to make this decision again.

I can't explain how much I just want to go back on the plan and nurse him again. I want to walk into his room right now, snatch him from his bed and sit in the Mulk Chair with him and let him nurse until he's so full of milk his belly is big and warm and happy. I have been wrestling with that all day today. On one hand I see that it would be a big mistake. That if I did that, I would need to resign myself to the fact that I will let him self wean, even if he's four or about to start college. Even if that means I nurse through another pregnancy and another baby. Right now, when emotions are high. I think I could do it. But I know I don't want to.

I think to myself, "maybe I'll just let him nurse at night." That sounds like pure bliss right now, a little bit of balance. But I have to remember the purpose of weaning; to hopefully help clear up his eczema. If his allergy panel comes back with my milk as the causative factor, well then I will be happy to say Case Closed. But if, by chance, the allergy panel comes back and says something else is the culprit, it is going to very hard to not let him have one session a day.

On the other hand, we are almost home free. He is doing well, and each day it gets better. It seems cruel to flip flop on him. It would be like ripping a Band-Aid off slowly. I need to stick with this, as much as it hurts. He's two, it's not like I didn't give him my absolute best; it's not like he is even going to have long lasting memories of this. It will be okay. He will be okay.

I thought this is what I wanted. I thought I was ready for this. I was wrong.