Taboo.

As I sit down to write this post, I am still unsure of if I will actually post it. I am hoping it will be cathartic for me, even though it may make me feel vulnerable. I am hoping it will be inspiring to others, who may feel like they should remain silent in similar circumstances. Deep breath, here we go....

Why do we, as women, keep certain happenings of our lives so private? I am guilty of this myself. When we were trying to have our first child, we were struggling with infertility. Did I talk about it with anyone? Nope. I suffered in silence, smiled through welled-up eyes when someone lightheartedly teased about us"needing an instruction manual," secretly made doctor's appointments without even a glimmer of support from anyone around me. Why? I have no idea. I am an open book on all other areas of my life, but somehow I have deemed reproduction to be off-limits. And I know I'm not alone. It wasn't until I blogged about my struggle on Tucker's blog, that I had friends come to me with similar stories. Which brings me to my newest topic of Taboo.


I had a miscarriage this week. Ryan was out of town, and when the bleeding started I had nobody to call. Nobody knew I was pregnant yet and my mind was freaking out. Am I miscarrying? Is this just implantation spotting? Was this because I lifted a 50 pound bag of dog food today? Maybe I'm bleeding because Tucker jumped on my stomach when we were playing earlier. I Googled. I Googled some more. Oh, and by the way, I think it's totally crappy of advertisers to have annoying pop-up ads that won't go away when someone has looked up something so depressing as Miscarriage Symptoms. Geesh. /tangent.


I went to the doctor the next day, by this time, there was no question in my mind what was happening. This was not just spotting anymore. I just have to make a sidenote about my doctor here because I think he is exceptional. I cannot say enough good things about him. He is the doctor who delivered Chloe and I have been nothing but impressed by Dr. D. He is so kind and compassionate and when I tried to brush all of this off like everything was fine, he reminded me it's okay to feel let down and disappointed. He reminded me that even though this was an early loss, your mind quickly starts making plans and having visions of the future when you see that plus sign on the pregnancy test. How true his word were. I had already calculated my due date and daydreamed about how neat it was going to be for Ryan to have a baby born right around his birthday and/or Father's Day. June 17th is when I was due. I had already made a mental note of what gender neutral summer clothes I needed to pull out of storage. I had made another mental note to get my maternity coat back from my sister. I was making plans for this baby and to have that melt away in just a few hours was heartbreaking. Even though my intuition told me from the beginning that something wasn't right, I still had dreams for this baby. And you know what else I loved that Dr. D did? He referred to it as a baby, not a fetus, not a clump of cells. A baby.


It was confirmed with the results of my bloodwork that I had a complete miscarriage, which is a blessing because that means I don't have to have any other bloodwork done and I don't have to have a D&C.

I have to say, this isn't exactly a club I ever had the desire to join, but I am here. I have a family member and a couple of friends who also belong to this club, but I have a sneaking suspicion there are even more who never talked about it. Do I wish none of us belonged? Of course. Do I wish more of us would talk about our hurt and disappointment and sadness. Yes.

This post was written a few days ago. I am doing well, but I think this post does need to be published. I am not ashamed of my miscarriage and if this post helps one person feel like they aren't alone, then it was all worth it.