Disclaimer.

For the past twelve years (has it really been that long?), I have carried around a disclaimer for my weight. I have worked a casual "I haven't always been this way" into conversation more times than I care to admit when talking to new(er) people in my life. For some reason, I have found it necessary to let people know I haven't always been an obese, out of shape person.

I used to be thin.
I used to run on a regular basis.
I used to be a size four.
Used to be. Used to be. Used to be.

As if that would somehow make things different. As if that disclaimer would make me exempt from judgement. The truth is, if I was talking to someone who didn't care to know me at my size, then I shouldn't care to know them at all.

That's easy to say, but it's hard to do. I do care what people think. Sure, it's easier to write somebody off if they are shallow enough to judge on appearance alone, but that doesn't mean that it won't affect your self esteem to be rejected in such a manner.

Yet, I continued to try to validate myself and excuse what I had become. I continued to seek others' approval and I continued to place blame where it didn't belong.

Blame my age.
Blame my job.
Blame my hormones.
Blame my stress.
Blame my happiness.
Blame my lack of willpower and self control.
Blame the fact that I'd rather watch Food Network than do Yoga Booty Ballet.
Blame, Blame, Blame.

But things are changing and I am excited. Once my goals have been reached, my disclaimer will remain the same, although the intent will be profoundly different.

I haven't always been this way.

I haven't always been this motivated.
I haven't always been this excited.
I haven't always been this hopeful.
I haven't always been this healthy.

....to be continued.